Satire: AP student receives “B+” on assignment, believes God is punishing him

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“God is punishing me.”

This is what Aaron Keelmeyer, senior, attributes to his scandalous failure last Thursday in Frank Stein’s AP Psychology class during sixth hour.

Keelmeyer is an honors student who prior to this tragedy never received anything other than an “A.” His parents attributed this to his hard-work ethic and absolute fear of failure.

“We’ve tried to tell him this really isn’t a big deal,” his mother said. “But he seems to be in this state of eternal defeat.”

Since Thursday, Keelmeyer has been shunned from all of his friend groups. No one sits by him at lunch or in class or even rides the bus near him. He stopped doing homework, but his teachers haven’t given up on him yet.

Stein, who graded the infamous paper, says he is not surprised Keelmeyer is in shock.

“Listen, I have kids all the time crying about their grades, but Aaron’s reaction was definitely a little off,” Stein said.

Stein also said he is charging $15 for students to look at Keelmeyer’s assignment.

Keelmeyer attributes the “B+” to his skipping of Sunday mass the week before the assessment.

“I started worrying right away that God would exact his revenge on me for this blemish, but by Wednesday I thought I was forgiven. Thursday proved me wrong,” he said.

On what he plans to do for the future, he had no further comment.

According to college counselor Cole Concil, colleges that he applied to have sent immediate rejection letters, including MIT, Harvard and Oxford.

“Every college in the state knows that he still has a 5.0 GPA,” Concil added. ”But colleges also value consistency. Mr. Stein’s assignment last Thursday showed them that Keelmeyer has none.”